• If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
  • Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.
  • Don’t be so open-minded your brain’ll fall out.
  • By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he’s usually wrong.
  • When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
  • Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of ignorance.
  • Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours.
  • Adversity cause some men to break; others to break records.
  • I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.
  • Life is too complicated…in the morning.
  • Rehab is for Quitters.
  • Live your life so the preacher won’t have to lie at your funeral.
  • Don’t Judge Me Based On Your Ignorance.
  • The way to see by Faith is to shut the eye of Reason.
  • We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an
    imperfect person perfectly.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.
  • The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.
  • If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  • Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
  • If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
  • Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
  • Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
  • Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
  • Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
  • If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  • Why is a package transported in a car called shipment, but on a ship it’s called cargo?
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  • God is real, unless declared integer.
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.
  • Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
  • Home is where the television is.
  • Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
  • Death is hereditary.
  • Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
  • Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
  • When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
  • Cheer up; the worst is yet to come.
  • Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else..
  • Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.
  • Well done is better than well said.
  • Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody looking.
  • They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.
  • You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  • I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
  • If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
  • Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.
  • Where there’s a will there are five hundred relatives.
  • I have a drinking problem – I can’t afford it.
  • Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
  • LUCK…stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge
  • Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can’t blame on the government.
  • The evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
  • An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

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