- If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
- Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.
- Don’t be so open-minded your brain’ll fall out.
- By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he’s usually wrong.
- When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
- Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of ignorance.
- Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours.
- Adversity cause some men to break; others to break records.
- I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.
- Life is too complicated…in the morning.
- Rehab is for Quitters.
- Live your life so the preacher won’t have to lie at your funeral.
- Don’t Judge Me Based On Your Ignorance.
- WHY HATE MORNINGS..SLEEP TILL NOON.
- The way to see by Faith is to shut the eye of Reason.
- We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an
imperfect person perfectly. - If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.
- The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.
- If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
- Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
- If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
- Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
- Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- Why is a package transported in a car called shipment, but on a ship it’s called cargo?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
- God is real, unless declared integer.
- Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.
- Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
- Home is where the television is.
- Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
- Death is hereditary.
- Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
- Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
- When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
- Cheer up; the worst is yet to come.
- Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else..
- Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.
- Well done is better than well said.
- Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody looking.
- They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.
- You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
- If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
- Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.
- The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.
- Where there’s a will there are five hundred relatives.
- I have a drinking problem – I can’t afford it.
- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- LUCK…stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge
- Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can’t blame on the government.
- The evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
- An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
